hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
