Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
