I'm laying in your front yard are you home
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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