if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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