now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
