You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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