I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
