I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
