i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
