11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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