We're facebook friends in real life
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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