but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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