dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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