I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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