Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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