I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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