I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You left your underwear on the fireplace
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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