I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
