Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
