I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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