Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
