you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
