3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
