Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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