i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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