Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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