You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
