I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
