went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you win again, gameday.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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