At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
