Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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