She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
