good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
