she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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