I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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