I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
