so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
