i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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