Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you would pick up someone in the library
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
