What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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