Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I am available for nakedness
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
