i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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