I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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