i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
