you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
