I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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