it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
