My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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