Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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