Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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