i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
