filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
