I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
