no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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