In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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