she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
