YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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