Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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