You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
