I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
