I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
